I stole this blatantly and in true pirate style.....

from bob.


Thanks bob!

My pirate name is:

Black Bess Flint

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

I took a desk job for a reason!

Why you ask? BECAUSE LISA DOESN'T LIKE TO SWEAT. EVER. and sadly today I have done nothing but sweat. ALL DAY.

rant rant rant bitch bitch bitch rant rant bitch bitch rant and bitch.

All I want right now...is a shower and a drink. I don't want to see another hammer as long as I live.

Okay. I think I am done. Thanks for that. I really needed to get it out of my system. Oh wait. Better news. I think I am done and then I find out they need FIVE more.


shoot me. now.

Sex is what you make it....

I have been thinking alot lately. Thinking about my marriage. Thinking about relationships in general. Maybe just life. I have been surrounded by people both in blog-land and in real life going through all sorts of different scenarios in their respective relationships.

There are people in unrequited love situations, people with crushes, people unhappily existing in marriages, some people happily existing in marriages and some people so lonely that they would wish they were even in some sort of unhappy relationship as long as they were a part of 'something'.

I have placed my relationship under the microscope a lot lately, poking it and prodding it. Comparing it to other relationships that I see around me. I would say for the most part, what I have is a fabulous relationship. I genuinely like my husband, he is a good guy. He is smart and funny, there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't make me laugh; even the days when he makes me mad, he usually follows up by making me laugh.

If I had to guess what his only (okay not only...but main- the othes are silly like leaving the cupboard doors open in the kitchen and forgetting to give him back his keys!)complaint in our marriage would be, I would hazaard a guess in the direction of incompatible sex drives. He, of course would happily sex it up 7 days a week (well okay, maybe 6 - he does after all have a game on Friday nights that supercedes all other activity). I on the other hand could go without sex for probably 3 weeks and it wouldn't phase me overly.

I have made a pact with myself that 2 times a week is the minimum sex that my husband and I engage in... and 4 would probably be my max, although to be honest, I think I have only made it to 4 once since we have been married. A few threes have been thrown in for good measure.

So then I got to thinking about how you only get out of any relationship what you put into it. So I put some into it. I did a little dirty talk, I really let myself enjoy the experience and let go a little. (Not that I am uptight...but I think you tend to let yourself get in a little comfort zone, if that makes sense).

Shortly after coitus completus, he rolls over and says to me:"Uhm, what did you do with my wife???"

Am I to take that it was SO different it was like fucking a completely different person? Was I that bad before? lol

Later on he says: lady, you are going to have to leave soon, my wife will be back soon and she just wouldn't understand.

That's my monkey. Always a crack up.

This weekend I think I will go out and buy some toys. Who knows what he will say to me then. This could be fun.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em people!
xoxo
The new wife.

A post card for my cooter.

Yes. My cooter got mail. I arrived home from work to find that a post card had arrived for my cooter. It's only fair I suppose, I mean after all, I received a post card a few days earlier from the lovely Sara. Why shouldn't my cooter get mail too?

Is it just me, or has visiting the doctor's office become way too impersonal these days? I mean not that I expect dinner and a movie or something...but when faced with potential impending bad news....don't you think a phone call would be nice? When cooter and I were done with the poking and prodding, we were asked to address two post cards to our home address.

Post card a) good news, cooter all clear and ready for action.
Post card b) bad news, cooterville is at DefCon 2. Please bring the cooter in for debriefing.

Then we get to sit back and wait to see which of the little cooter doctor post card bombs arrives in the mail. Very sadistic stuff batman.

Anyway, the cooter and I have the "all clear" we are at Defcon 5, I repeat, DefCon 5 - All things peaceful in cooterville... and on Friday... I get to have my very first mammogram. How simply marvelous is my life? I know, I know.... you are all so jealous!

xoxo

How does your wife annoy you....let me count the ways.

Well, I was off to a stellar start this morning! First, I did not hear the alarm go off and slumbered my way to 6:07am when I normally get out of bed at 5:30am. Fantastic. So I then rush around trying to bathe, get dressed in the semi-darkness that is our bedroom (I've shown you the picture of our other bathroom...) I have had to bathe in the master bedroom while my bathroom is in limbo.

Finally, I dive into my scrubs, throw my still-wet hair into a pony-tail (very sexy look, all the hot chicks are doing it this season), slap on some mascara and lip gloss and try to wake the child up. While the child is rousing, I let the dog out, feed him, step on the cat and get the child cereal.

I sit the child at the table with cereal while I try to coax her hair into some semblance of a hair do.

HR arrives. I dive into the freezer to retrieve my craptastic frozen lunch and run down to the garage to get the car seat since HR is driving today. We load the seat, lunches and child into HR's car, I run back to make sure Monkey is awake and off I run to drop child off at day care.

Arrive at daycare, fish child out of car, pay for this week and this week's activities and dash back to the car to make the 35 minute drive across State line to work.

Reach into my purse to pull out the keys to open the office and come out with.......




Dave's car keys.
SHITFUCKDAMNFUCKCRAP!

That's right. I am a horrible wife. I borrowed his car on Sunday to go do grocery shopping and then to go to the toy store with his Mom for Alyssa. I forgot to return them to him on Sunday....and this morning I was in zero condition to remember anything.

xoxo
The Worst Wife Ever.
I told him this was his get out of marriage free card. But it expires by the end of the day.

An old wives tale.

Once upon a time, there was a small monkey. He was a cheeky monkey; as most of them are. This particular monkey woke up one day to discover that he had a sty on his eye. Cheeky monkey didn't like this one little bit. It hurt and made his little monkey eye water.

He went upstairs to complain to Mother monkey about his sty. He looked high and he looked low for Mother Monkey. Finally, he found her in the kitchen making biscuits and gravy. The smell was so delicious, it almost made him forget about his sty. Almost.

Monkey: Mom! I have a sty in my eye! It hurts! What can I do to make it go away?
Mother Monkey: Well, cheeky little monkey, you may not believe this but if you do exactly as I say, that sty will be gone by morning.
Monkey: Okay! What do I need to do?
Mother Monkey: You go down to the basement, find your pet cat, get the fuzziest part of her tail and rub it over the sty a couple of times. When you wake up in the morning your sty will be gone.
Monkey: NO WAY! I am NOT rubbing the cat's ass on my eye! NO. (and he pouted like a cheeky monkey)
Mother Monkey: Suit yourself. But would I ever lie to you? It works. Try it.

Cheeky Monkey stomped downstairs muttering something about crazy old ladies under his breath....

He sat in the basement playing Nintendo and eyeing the cat. He played a few more games and eyed the cat. The cat stared back. Monkey turned his back on the cat and tried to make his mother's words disappear from his head.

He put down the controller, shut off the Nintendo and as nonchalantly as a Cheeky Monkey could, strolled over to the cat, grabbed it in some ninja/sumo/grappling hold and quickly rubbed its' furry tail over his sty. The cat yowled in indignation and leapt from his arms to perch on the back of the sofa, tail twitching in agitation.

Cheeky Monkey: Oh shut up cat, I don't know what you have to be pissed about, not like I rubbed MY ASS on your eye.

THE NEXT MORNING

Monkey goes upstairs for breakfast. He sits at the table waiting for Mother Monkey to finish with the eggs. She sits his glass of orange juice in front of him, looks him over and says:

You did it didn't you? I told you.

Monkey: I don't want to talk about it.


The moral of the story folks, is this: sometimes even when your mother tells you to rub a cat's ass on your eye, she knows best.

This is actually a true story. Monkey's mother is one of the coolest women I know... very no-nonsense and straight-forward. So apparently those of you out there suffering with a sty in your eye. Beg, borrow or steal a cat for a few minutes if you aren't lucky enough to own one yourself and try this little known remedy. Creepy sounding I know, but it works. Just ask my husband =)

It has been a very long day...

Do you ever notice how long a day can seem when you are trying to keep a four-year-old entertained?

Monkey went to go see a double feature with some friends of his... I believe he was in dire need of some re-grouping. I have however spent the day having my hair done, 408 applications of 'magic' suntan lotion, driving by SW's house with HR (long story). Making ham sandwhiches with grapes, watching cartoons, trying to clean up my house... and it's only 4:00pm.

It's funny, when your children grow up and become more independent you forget how intense it can be with small children.

Hell of a responsibility. I have however firmly silenced my internal clock. I am just too old to be considering starting this life-cycle over again. (especially not with a four-year-old in the house already.)

I wish I had something witty and funny to post, but frankly, I am too tired =) maybe later!

Well.

I got to work on Tuesday morning... only to be askedbeggedtold to go to Wichita Kansas to help out one of our other facilities. When? oh ...that day. Talk about notice. Dave needless to say, was less than thrilled. To go from a 34-year-old never been a father before type, to a 34-year-old with a teenage son and wife is one thing. To go from that ... to a 34-year-old with a teenager, a wife, a dog, cat AND a four-year-old girl is quite another thing. The ONLY thing that could be more stressful than that...would to then become a single parent over night.

Which is basically what I did to him on Tuesday.

Poor thing. Actually, he did quite well. The house wasn't a total disaster. The girl child was still in once piece, dog was still as fat and happy as ever and the teenager was not grounded for life.

All things considered I would say it was a success. I walked in the door this evening, he kissed me on the cheek and said this:

I am glad your home.

Before disappearing downstairs for some much needed away time from the stressors of single parenthood. I am almost scared to tell him I will most likely have to go back at least one more time in the next three weeks....

The trip itself was uneventful for the most part. We ate some good food, saw lots of cows. I did speak to Jen on the phone... (I'm sorry about your team! I saw they lost in game 7. better luck next year girly!)

It's always neat to talk to people you get to know online in person. HR came with me on this trip, it was our first road trip together. She did manage to pick up a pilot at the hotel....she's ballsy that's for sure. Well I don't know if she picked him up or not, but she gave him his number. Remains to be seen if he calls. Cute, very cute. And young. But older than the last guy she gave her number to, so I suppose it's a step up. She doesn't mean to, she actually thinks they are older. I guess she is just a really bad judge of age. - or maybe just a really good liar, and she actually really likes them young =)

Hope you all had a great week.

xoxo

How's this for flat? This was my exciting drive across kansas this week. MILES of this.  

Question of the day...

By request, (and because I have zero to type about today...) the question of the day... I tried to go through the book and find some deep though provoking question to ask you.. but alas I couldn't pick one. So, doing what any mature, grown up person would do in this situation, I closed my eyes, flipped through the pages until it felt like the right spot and voila!

The question of the day:

You, your closest friend, and your father are on vacation together, hiking in a remote jungle. Your two companions stumble into a nest of poisonous vipers and are bitten repeatedly. You know neither will live without an immediate shot of anti-venom, yet there is only a single dose of anti-venom and it is in your pocket. What do you do?

I suppose it wouldn't be fair to just ask the question and not respond hmmm? Okay, well for me assuming of course that I had a normal father-daughter relationship (which I did not, but let us for this particular purpose pretend that I did), you know what???? It's my blog! I am going to just ask the question!

Answer away folks!

I promise to be more entertaining next time... OH and I almost forgot: question of the day brought to you by:Gregory Stock PH.D. and his wonderful "book of questions".

Do you remember what it was like to be this fascinated by bubbles ?  

How can you resist this face though ?  

This child will be the death of me... If I could bottle her energy. I would be rich.  

Sackett... the wonder dog.  

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

quote of the day:

Dave reads my post, says thank you.... I go over and give him a kiss, he hugs me...caresses my left breast; and here is the conversation that ensues:

me: oh what is this? gratuitous Father's day boob squeezing?
Dave: sure, but where is my father's day blow job?

I wax poetic about his fatherly skills and gush with warmth at his loving nature and he tries to turn it into a blow job opportunity =)

(maybe later when his mother isn't on her way over) but shh, don't tell him.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's day, to all you fathers, father-in-laws, step-father's, boyfriends raising someone else's children, uncles who take in their nieces and/or nephews, grand-fathers, great-grandfathers and for those of us lucky enough to still have them in our lives; great-great-grandfathers, foster dads.... expecting dads...


I think I covered you all. Growing up I never had a father, mine left when I was 6 months old. My mother did an amazing job of being the sole bread winner in the family, but because she was a doctor, I saw her much less than I would have liked. When I was 13 she met and subsequently married a man named Victor. But at 13, I didn't appreciate any of his good qualities, I only resented him for 'changing' my life as I had grown accustomed to it. I was a rotten 13-year-old.

Now, as a 35-year-old, I can appreciate his kindness and the gentle way with which he puts up with my mother's nattering. She is a lovely woman, but prone to being slightly on the bossy side of life. I suppose that comes from having a 'man's job' way back in the day before it was actually acceptable. Who knows. He has loved her with all her quirks, for 22 years and counting. (not to mention the fact that he had to put up with me as a step-child - and I was a shit to him.

It was when I married Dave however, that I finally found out what it was like to have a father. The gifts were two-fold. I watched Dave with my son, trying patiently (and sometimes not so patiently), trying to teach him right from wrong and guide him into manhood kicking and screaming. I watch him sit him down and explain things to him and help him with his homework, all of it with patience even though I am sure he would rather be doing something less thankless. I watched him when his brother called and asked him to take in his niece because he couldn't care for her. It took all of 23 minutes for him to figure out how he could rearrange his life to fit her in.

So thank you Dave, for finally showing me what a real father is like.

And Happy Father's Day

sweet things come in gruff packages......

So Datamonkey (Dave) has this friend, I have actually alluded to him in one of my previous posts (BV); he came to the strip club with my friend HR and I. I should describe BV to you so you get a better idea of what I am talking about.

He is easily 6'3" and could be taller I am not sure. He is one of those men that is just built for business - thick, well-muscled neck, broad chest, big arms, definitely not a man you would mess with if you saw him coming torwards you in a dark alley. I am constantly reminded of Vin Diesel when I see him although truthfully he looks more like Bill Goldberg, okay actually, in this picture, he looks exactly like Bill Goldberg, damn they could have been separated at birth, forget I even mentioned Vin Diesel. In fact I am going to take a picture next week when he comes over for the Friday night game and post it just so you can see!

BUT that was not my point. Last night, I took Alyssa by the hand and ventured down into NoGirlsLand. That's right, the Friday night basement... the reason I did this, is so that if she heard anything loud and scary, I wanted her to know it was just her Uncle Monkey and his little friends being silly and playing games. So I introduced them and off we went. She took it all in stride and never batted an eye.

However, I told you that little snippet in order to tell you this: This afternoon, BV AKA "Goldberg" called Monkey because he left something over here last night and wanted to come by and pick it up. Monkey told him it was here and waited for his friend to swing by and grab it.

When he arrived, this big, soft-hearted wonderful hunk of a man had in his hands, a bag from Walmart which he (and I wasn't there but can only imagine) rather gruffly pushed at my husband and said, "I didn't know if the little girl had anything to play with."

He took his magazine and left Monkey standing in the hallway holding a Walmart bag containing this.


So you see, sometimes incredibly sweet, selfless things can come in big, gruff packages.....

Thanks BV. I am pretty sure you just made this little girl feel a little more loved.

Calling anyone with a camera......

I know most of you have digital cameras by now, and some of you have scanners. One of the bloggy people that I read has a little art project going aside from just regular blogging. I actually think that it is a pretty neat idea so I have decided to put the word out to those of you that stop in here.

The concept is this: you snap a picture of what you see in the morning when you open your eyes. He calls it " my eyes open" and you can find a link to it on his regular blog site here.

I think it's a cool concept and I would like to help get the word out for him so if you could take a picture and send it to him...or even put a little post about it on your site to spread the word to more people, that would be great!

Enjoy your weekend people! I am off shortly to shop for new clothes for my niece....shopping on a Saturday with a four-year-old. I'll bet this will be interesting!

Here is a direct link to the art project My Eyes Open, in case you are one of those people that just wants to skip the middle man and not read his blog (which is actually pretty damn funny - so you should check that out too you goobers!). And by the way, my eyes opened in Kansas City... in case you were wondering!

bye!

and last one for the day.... look how happy she is living here !!!! hah. this was the face she gave Dave when he asked her to put her shoes on so she didn't get a splinter... expressive little munkey isn't she?  

what a pair ! lol (he is so going to kill me! ) 

and because I promised if I put his up here I would do me... here I am.. wrinkles and all... =) 

The monkey man ...  

The road to MIL's house.. damn I love the country!  

my in-laws =) Just for ven.  

The newest addition to our little family!  

Calling those of you that secretly love to give advice....

I have been given permission by my good friend HR to post in here the story of her relationship and ask for opinions, advice and general commentary on this particular situation.

I have promised her that I will not steer you in any direction, but just post the facts with as little of my personal colorful commentary thrown in as possible. It could be quite a long post, so I will apologize for this in advance and promise to return to light posts about poops and farting after this brief diversion.

The beginning:

HR and SW met sometime during her college years. She immediately was attracted to him and fell, in true HR style, head over heels in love with him. Somehow over the years SW found himself being placed on the pedestal that is HR's shining testament to those she loves. She is very forgiving of EVERYone's faults (my own included - which is probably why we are still friends even though I can be quite blunt most of the time) but when she loves you...you have NO faults.

I accuse HR of playing little games within the relationship - perhaps you all may see it differently. One such example is something she did back when this relationship was new..and that was to try to prove to SW that she was the perfect one for him. How did she do this you ask? Settle down, I will tell you.

She had this friend - whose name I don't actually know, so let's call her X. She had this friend X who had many similar qualities to HR, but in HR's opinion, she (HR) was the far superior model of the two. So she concocted this brillian plan in which she would suggest to SW that he and X date instead, during which time he would realize how much better HR was for him and return to her with a glowing NEW appreciation for her.

Obviously, this plan failed and SW and X dated for some time but SW and HR never did make it back together(then).

Fast forward a couple of years and SW meets and subsequently marries another woman, a lawyer... we will call her J. Heartbroken, HR goes about her life, confident in true HR style that ONE day SW will in fact be hers. She is content to wait for this man until such time as that happens.

HR knows that SW is now married, and subsequently meets and marries another man, let's call him TD. While I am sure that TD has no idea of what I am about to divulge to you... I know it, it is an integral part of the story and I will tell you.

HR ONLY married him because SW was married to someone else.... uhm what?

TD and HR have two children (extremely cute and well-behaved children too I should add..and I am qualified to judge, because I have children..and I know well-behaved children when I see them...(they usually belong to OTHER people!) kidding...hah!)

In the interim, SW and J run on some hard marital times and divorce. EGADS... SW is a free man. Surprisingly enough, HR and TD follow suit not too long thereafter. HR will swear that SW was divorced for ages before she divorced TD, but the fact remains that it was shortly after they started communicating again that this divorce was officially in the works. - you do the math.

Since HR and SW have been seeing each other again (approximately 2 years now) I will give you a brief point form synopsis of the situation:

- SW was seeing another woman, who was married. This is a girl that he claimed was the love of his life and actually told HR - If she was free, I would be with her and if there came a time that she asked me to go to her, I would go. ( I am refraining from inserting my own commentary here...but it's hard)
- SW makes quite a bit of money and lives in a beautiful home, in a gated elite community and actually said this to HR: one of the reasons that I don't want you to move in with me is because you don't make enough money. ( I am really having a hard time not saying anything to this one)
- SW sees HR one day a week, Sundays, they spend the day together, puttering around and fixing the house, eat dinner and of course, copious amounts of sex. At one time when HR showed up on Saturday morning after having been out of town all week on business because she missed him - she went to hug him, he did not hug her back and then they had a fight about her "dropping by whenever she feels like it, it's all about what she wants and how he needs SPACE.
- Last week, SW on Sunday logged into his work computer and signed up for voluntary overtime that day should they need him. HR arrived, 10 minutes later work called and even after she asked him not to go because this was their day... he agreed and went into work.
final point about SW:
- HR for Christmas was given a trip to Hawaii with SW. (he put the downpayment on the tickets) then up until the day proceeded to complain, hint, mention the fact that he had been there before and how expensive it was all the while making HR feel like poop until she suggested he just get the money back for the trip and they could do something else another time. - which he did.

ON TO HR:

I don't want you all to think that this is a big bash SW party. It's not. Here are the points about HR for your consideration:

- She has this game she plays when they have a disagreement where she will get upset about something and then sit back and wait to see how long it takes him to come running after her. If he doesn't, she will then call him, and say something to the effect of " I am just calling to let you know that I don't want to hear from you until you are ready to call me". - this doesn't happen all the time... but it has happened on more than one occasion.
- HR has this phobia about actually talking to SW. She is under the impression that this will miraculously solve itself with zero open honest communication required on both their parts. She will send him little post cards and letters and then wait for him to call her. When he doesn't, she will say that it's over without having actually had any input from SW about what he thinks, feels or wants.
- HR is a wonderful, warm and caring person, she is a lot of fun to be with - we laugh our asses off. We fart and make jokes and I don't think there is ever a dull moment when we hang out. She is like this with my husband also. SW has NEVER seen this side of her. HR says she is too afraid to be fun and cute because he MIGHT NOT LIKE HER. So basically she is acting like someone she is not to stay with this man.

- HR says about SW - he makes me feel cherished and safe. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is perfect. And yet she won't show him who she is. She won't talk to him about anything serious, only the most general of conversations - about the dog or the house, has he eaten enough...how was work. etc etc - she loves the way he touches her and apparently the sex is absolutely fabulous. But it is only available to her one day a week and apparently that is enough for SW.

I have been listening to her for 9 months now. I love her to pieces, I will continue to listen, that's what friends do. I give her advice when she asks for it, advice which she never listens to. Other people she knows have given her the same advice. She agreed to let me put this up here to see what people she doesn't even know have to say about the situation. So thank you in advance, a) for those of you who even made it through this... and b) for those of you who take the time to give your opnions.

Just be blunt, and honest about what you think. She can take it: I have been dishing it to her for ages, and she wants to know what you think.

Thanks guys!

xoxoxo

I have a confession....

I farted on my husband yesterday. I am surprised that he hasn't told you all yet. But I figured if I just 'fessed up it would be easier on me in the long run.

When I say I farted ON my husband, I mean precisely that. He said something snarky as is his way, I said something like... you are just lucky I don't fart on you...Heidi laughed and that is usually the catalyst for me to do something really retarded...

I got up and before I even realized what I was doing, I sat on his lap and farted.

I am a horrible horrible person. I know this. Such a completely un-ladylike thing to do. I did it anyway. I don't know when, and I don't know where...but I do KNOW - his retribution will be horrible and probably deeply emotionally scarring. I am afraid. I am VERY afraid.

Pray for me y'all.

My cooter and I are going into hiding.

So I took my cooter to the doctor today.......

hah! I thought that might get your attention. I really did though. Packed up the cooter and off we went to the cooter doctor.

The cooter and I arrive at the cooter doctor and proceed to wait. (there were a few other cooters there before us). Finally my cooter and I are called in. We move along into the cooter examination area, have our blood pressure taken and are asked a few pertinent cooter-related questions. (all of which I answer for my cooter, because she's shy - that and she doesn't speak. mute since birth I'm afraid.)

Anyhoo, The nurse leaves, asks me to undress (not just the cooter area but entirely...) she give me a dessert napkin to cover up with and leaves the room. So my cooter and I are sitting there... all naked and exposed, barely covered by the dessert napkin when in walks the cooter doctor. (Frankly, if my cooter was the one that had the appointment, I still don't see why it was necessary for me to go along...)

She asks a few questions and then gets right to it. No dinner, no small talk...just insert the scapula and off we go. She pokes around in the cooter and scrapes some off (to save for later?) and decides the cooter and I need to go have an ultrasound... check things out a bit more clearly.

Fabulous.


She waits while the cooter and I pay for the fun and we follow her down to the ultrasound area. She talks them into squeezing cooter and me in during the regular appointments. We were thrilled, no waiting.

HERE'S the best part of the ultrasound. THEY ARE NOW DONE TRANS-VAGINALLY.

UH what??? That's cooter abuse! I walk into the room, the nurse tells me to strip from the waist down (again) I look at her funny and say, well I can just pull these down...see? They are roomy (scrubs)...

She shakes her head. Nope, we do ultrasound trans-vaginally now. We will need you to de-robe from the waist down, thanks. And leaves the room.

Sigh. So the cooter and I undress again and prepare to be invaded. The technician returns and I joke with her a bit..."If I had known there was going to be a party in my pants today, I would have put a bow on it =)". Thankfully, she had a sense of humor.

technician: well everything looks good. Your ovaries are slightly plump, but nothing to worry about, I mean they aren't abnormally large.


WTF ? MY OVARIES ARE PLUMP?


great. My cooter is just fine... but my ovaries need to go on a diet.

fanfuckingtastic.

bad kitty sitting on the back of my chair.... 

Here's the tiles we've scraped off the bathroom wall ....grrr. 

Quote of the day:

Monkey: Would you NOT put your finger up my ass? I don't mind if you grab my butt, BUT I AM NOT A BOWLING BALL!!!!


(In the parking lot of Home Depot......on the way to the car)

it's been a while

Since I have subjected you to one of these...and I saw it over on Walker's site and thought it was kinda cute....

Your Element is Earth Your power color: yellow Your energy: balancing Your season: changing of seasons Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends. You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems. Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones. Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful. What Element Are You? Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

totally just saw the typo in the title.... can you say slow child this morning? plah.

Murphy's law.

SO...turns out Monkey and I are having a baby.


hah! sort of. Our four year old niece is coming to live with us for a while. So I decide it's time to take out those retarded sliding glass shower doors people in the 80's decided were a fabulous idea to install in ALL bathrooms. (you know the ones that bolt to the wall and are a bitch to clean? ~ yeah. those)

So MIL and I go to BB&B to buy Alyssa some sheets and stuff she will need to make up a pretty little girl room - since there were no pretty little girls living here previously. Also picked up a new shower curtain and rod and hangy thingers.

Monkey and FIL went to Home Depot to get grout to re-grout the tiles in the bathroom that were in need of some grouting. They come back and get to work. Monkey merely brushes one of the tiles with a screwdriver and the THING FALLS OUT. That's right, it falls the FUCK out. Which, in and of itself, is not a huge dilemma. Except for one thing... there is NOTHING behind the tile. Apparently the builder in his (or her) infinite wisdom, saw fit to wallpaper directly over sheet rock and then stick tiles directly over the wallpaper. Add to that a half ass grouting job and you get 25 years of water mulched sheet rock.

Now sheet rock is a wonderful invention, very useful. But no sheet rock ANYWHERE was meant to come into constant contact with water and remain intact. It's just not designed for that.


So now what we have... instead of a wee grouting project ....is a COMPLETE BATHROOM REMODEL.

On the plus side, I had a fabulous steak dinner.


Sigh.

C'est la vie !

monkey poo

Venessa has been talking about poo. KOM has been talking about poo. Seems that everywhere I look, the topic is poo.

As luck would have it, Monkey and I had to go over to his mother's house for a little family pow wow. OUT OF THE BLUE, with no coaxing, leading conversational snippets my mother-in-law breaks out an old family favorite. The story of Monkey, the grocery store and poop.

As told by my MIL.

*Monkey was a happy baby. Always cooing, and waving his little arms and legs about, never a lick of trouble. A real happy boy. I would take him shopping with him, put him in the little basket seat and he would be just as happy as he could be. He would make those little baby noises and I would go about my business, filling up the cart; getting all my groceries for the week.

Well, now all of a sudden, he screwed up his little monkey face and there was this awful gurgling sound. My god. You never saw so much poop. It welled up over his little plastic pants, and onto the cart. (yes, Monkey wore cloth diapers...you can imagine how much fun that was to clean up) I picked him up and he started kicking his little legs, which just pumped more of it out and over the rim of his pants. It was all over him...running down my shirt, my shorts, onto my leg.

I just left the cart there and skedaddled (sp?). Now, I couldn't put him in his car seat, so there I was trying to drive, with him on my lap, trying not to get it in the car as well. Monkey just thought this was BIG fun...so he kicked even more... of course poop went flying EVERWHERE.

According to MIL - she didn't even bother undressing, they just both climbed in the tub together to hose off. After she finally got clean she had to go and deal with the car and there was still the matter of groceries.

BAD MONKEY!

okay this is pretty cool!

Go here and check this crap out!! Aside from the fact that it said I had average intelligence, I rather liked my profile!!! (shut up phreadom...we both know I am brilliant!) hah!

check it out !!!!

Face analyzer

Just for Jerk....... =)  

okay voting time!

I have received permission from the monkey man to post his picture (If I wanted to). This comes with no small amount of surprise from me, monkey is usually a pretty private person. So here is the condition. I have a number in my head. If I get this number (or over) of requests to see my husband I will post his picture. - he further stated that I had to post a current picture of myself. (FUCKING RAT BASTARD!) So you will get two for the price of one.

The picture on my blog...was taken hmmm sometime prior to my 14-year-old breaking the old web cam. Let's say 2 years ago? I now am the proud owner of a digital camera so there really is no excuse for me to have such a dated picture on here is there? to quote my favorite jerk...and one of his readers (des)... meh.

There you have it. Vote and ye shall receive.

CHECK THIS OUT!

Okay.... link to the right ....>>> over there. The monkey and I have decided to do a joint blog. Check it out if you like. Hell check it out just because I said so!

Apparently I have had too many cups of coffee today....

According to my husband. What started out as a generic 'how was your day' conversation on the back porch with an apres work cigarette - turned into who gets what in the event of a divorce.

Apparently he was surprised that I had put some previous thought into it. Hey, I am once divorced already...I usually find it best to have an exit strategy in every situation =) Lisa....escape artist supreme!

Only problem with this conversation? Never have it while wired on 6 cups of Java...apparently that makes me a trifle more intense than I meant to come off! I talk really fast, and gesture wildly, my eyes glazed and glossy. I suppose the only thing I wasn't doing, was frothing at the mouth.

We ended the conversation with an agreement to have a weekly spousal meeting: Agenda - are you unhappy? No. You? Nope. Okay divorce postponed till next week.

and now...the moment you have all been waiting for!






YES.






THE QUESTION OF THE DAY!!!!! (trumpets etc.)

In terms of their relative unpleasantness, how would you rank the following: a nude stroll in public; being spat upon by a crowd of people; being arrested for shoplifting; begging for money at an airport? What is the most embarrassing thing you can imagine? What bothers you about looking bad in front of strangers?


*rolls up sleeves*
Ok. To me I think being arrested for shoplifting would "rank first in my list of unpleasantness" (edited for phreadom) - because that would not only would shame me in public but would call into question my ethics. Naked I could plausibly have a good excuse for...(maybe someone stole my clothes?) begging for money - ditto... but stealing - that is a decision I made. I think the MOST embarrassing thing I can imagine happening would be crapping in my pants...maybe you have to pass wind? You think no one will notice, you fluff a little and wooops. You've crapped... I haven't had that happen (yet) but I can imagine I would be mortified! There is no hiding that SHIT (hah @ pun!)

And what bothers me about looking bad in front of strangers? It's not so much strangers I worry about. It's people I care about - because I care what they think of me.

As usual ~ thanks Gregory Stock.... and your "Book of Questions".

A post with no title.

That's right. I am feeling unimaginative so no title for you. I have an ear infection. I am a poopy patient. I don't like pain. I haven't had an ear infection since I was 8. I still remember how it felt too. Hopefully I caught this sucker before it turns into Attila the Infection. Nevertheless, tilting your head to the side and putting liquid INTO YOUR EAR CANAL on purpose is never fun.

I had not a bad day today at work. Tomorrow, however, is going to be ass on a stick. I have to get up an extra half an hour early, drive to my boss's house, pick up the company van, leave my car there and deliver the van so she can pick up her car at the shop and then hitch a ride with her after work to her house to pick up my car.

None of which I actually mind doing...it just adds about 2 hours to my day that I could be at home with my family...frustrates me a little. Do you ever do things for people and wonder if they would do the same for you if the shoe were on the other foot? I have this impossible time saying no. Sometimes I wish I was better at it. My theory is this, I will do anything for anyone, anytime. UNTIL the first time I ask for something and they tell me no. Then my friends, it's off. I will tell them no in any language they wish. =)


AND for my grand finale... your question of the day:

A cave-in occurs while you and a stranger are in a concrete room deep in a mine shaft. (WHO THINKS UP THESE QUESTIONS????) Before the phone goes dead, you learn the entire mine is sealed and the air hole being drilled will not reach you for 30 hours. If you both take sleeping pills from the medicine chest, the oxygen will last for only 20 hours. Both of you cannot survive; alone, one of you might. After you both realize this, the stranger takes several sleeping pills, says that it is in God's hands, and falls asleep. You have a pistol; what do you do?

hmmmmmmmm Mr. Gregory Stock has some serious abandonment issues? Okay. Let's assume for one second that I would actually be in a mine. In a room with a stranger, a phone, sleeping pills and a GUN. Not likely at best, however, okay... I would take the sleeping pills. I don't think that I could kill anyone. Not to mention that anyone with half a brain would realize that even if you shot the stranger and lived, you would be locked up for a hell of a long time for murder....so what kind of life would you have anyway?

food for thought - especially if you ever plan on being in this situation...

Question courtesy of: The Book of Questions - by Gregory Stock PH.D.

1...2....3.... Open up and say ahhhhhh.

So we went out for dinner tonight. To my favorite sushi restaurant...(and I have eaten at a TON of them)and we sat at the grill this time. I have never actually eaten at the hibachi. So I was finally convinced to give it a try: nice show, funny chef dude, good company - but I missed sushi. All I kept thinking was...maybe no one will notice if I go over and sit at the sushi bar.

I stayed however, and he sliced and diced and threw food at us, and made a little onion volcano. Datamonkey was surprisingly adept at catching the shrimp morsels that chef dude was tossing at him. I just tipped the guy $10 to keep his shrimp away from me! (I have enough problems trying to get food in my mouth and not on me without it being hurled at me at 90 mph!

The guy across from us must have been a seal in another life because I swear he didn't even move his head and the food just landed in his mouth every time! I should have taken a picture...but I was recharging the batteries. Maybe next time I will show you all pictures of datamonkey catching his dinner.

what we say.....and what we think.....

At the risk of getting too personal....oh shit, what the hell. Do you ever find yourself thinking one thing and saying completely the opposite? Here's a little story for you...and some of you will probably never be able to read my crap again after this post .... then again, some of you may come over more often...who knows.

Okay: So last weekend, I decide to do something completely different to entertain and amuse my husband. I shaved it. That's right. ALL of it. bare as the day I was born. I walk into the bedroom lift the hem of my little black "let's get it on big boy" negligee and give him a peek.

He opens his eyes wider....and says:

"are you serious?" (not in a bad way....but in a...gee that looks like fun kind of way)....

What I say: "well, sure, I thought I would try something different...it might be fun...you know, more sensitive and all that..."

What I'm thinking : UHHH of course I'm fucking serious...what did you think it was? A cooter toupee ??? LIke I keep a supply of double sided tape so I can slap it on and remove it at whim?


I really wonder what his reaction to that would have been?

view from the hammock 

kitchen.... 

I took some pictures of our house...just to play with my precious, unfortunately for you...you get subjected to them~!  

you will of course remember this loving scene from this morning! ......  

sigh....see how he treats me when he's done with me? like so much garbage, tossed aside... no wonder he didn't save me from that bug!  

Happy Sunday.....

As you can see.. I spent my morning constructively, following Datamonkey around snapping shots of him as he goes about his daily life. ( I had such a reaction about his package...I figured you would want more of him.)

I didn't do much exciting yesterday I am afraid, got up at the ass-crack of dawn to go garage-sale(ing) with my friend CR. She bought much more than I did, I got a couple of extremely retro purses...(and I am not even a purse 'person') but this one was pretty cool all nicely worn in, saddle leather... I am sure at some point it was expensive...but I got it for a dollar. I also bought an iron three-tier plant stand for the deck....no plants yet... but hey, it was 3 bucks!

Then we went out for lunch, Mexican. ( I was wearing a white cotton sweater and I swear it never fails...if I am wearing white something red will find it's way on my top!) grrr.

Then we went to Kansas (Johnson County) for any of you that know Kansas...you will just know what I mean when I type 'Johnson County'. To this baby store... (no, not for me...sheesh) OMFG was this place snooooooooty. $2800 for a STROLLER ? you have got to be shitting me. I got hives just being in that store.

Went across the street to the Indian Market and I purchased some stuff to make curry. I LOVE curry =) We also got a tea set for my MIL...her birthday is coming up soon!


and just for shits and giggles here is a conversation with my son (paraphrased of course...but y'all can see what I am dealing with here: Data and I are out on the balcony having a smoke..my son is standing inside the screen door in the kitchen:

son: dude, Dj is so pissed at me.
Mom: arches brow and inhales.
son: I mean, like, really pissed.
Mom: oh ?
son: yeah, cause like, he bet his brother that I couldn't like, do an ollie down the curb for like, the next year. pause. And I so did it tonight.
Mom: uhm, congratulations?
Son: yeah, boooo yah!
Data: you aren't getting in shit with any of these kids and doing anything stupid are you?
Son: no, we just skate. I don't hang around with any of the troublemakers. They are such losers. They don't even skate.
Data: and here I would have thought the fact that they were troublemakers would be what makes them losers.


boo yah?

Take me away!

Datamonkey enjoys a coffee (not pictured) on the deck when he wakes up. 

Datamonkey gets ready to make breakfast...bacon and eggs! (yum) 

Watching a bit of tv..... (hard work making breakfast you know!)