Calling those of you that secretly love to give advice....
I have been given permission by my good friend HR to post in here the story of her relationship and ask for opinions, advice and general commentary on this particular situation.
I have promised her that I will not steer you in any direction, but just post the facts with as little of my personal colorful commentary thrown in as possible. It could be quite a long post, so I will apologize for this in advance and promise to return to light posts about poops and farting after this brief diversion.
The beginning:
HR and SW met sometime during her college years. She immediately was attracted to him and fell, in true HR style, head over heels in love with him. Somehow over the years SW found himself being placed on the pedestal that is HR's shining testament to those she loves. She is very forgiving of EVERYone's faults (my own included - which is probably why we are still friends even though I can be quite blunt most of the time) but when she loves you...you have NO faults.
I accuse HR of playing little games within the relationship - perhaps you all may see it differently. One such example is something she did back when this relationship was new..and that was to try to prove to SW that she was the perfect one for him. How did she do this you ask? Settle down, I will tell you.
She had this friend - whose name I don't actually know, so let's call her X. She had this friend X who had many similar qualities to HR, but in HR's opinion, she (HR) was the far superior model of the two. So she concocted this brillian plan in which she would suggest to SW that he and X date instead, during which time he would realize how much better HR was for him and return to her with a glowing NEW appreciation for her.
Obviously, this plan failed and SW and X dated for some time but SW and HR never did make it back together(then).
Fast forward a couple of years and SW meets and subsequently marries another woman, a lawyer... we will call her J. Heartbroken, HR goes about her life, confident in true HR style that ONE day SW will in fact be hers. She is content to wait for this man until such time as that happens.
HR knows that SW is now married, and subsequently meets and marries another man, let's call him TD. While I am sure that TD has no idea of what I am about to divulge to you... I know it, it is an integral part of the story and I will tell you.
HR ONLY married him because SW was married to someone else.... uhm what?
TD and HR have two children (extremely cute and well-behaved children too I should add..and I am qualified to judge, because I have children..and I know well-behaved children when I see them...(they usually belong to OTHER people!) kidding...hah!)
In the interim, SW and J run on some hard marital times and divorce. EGADS... SW is a free man. Surprisingly enough, HR and TD follow suit not too long thereafter. HR will swear that SW was divorced for ages before she divorced TD, but the fact remains that it was shortly after they started communicating again that this divorce was officially in the works. - you do the math.
Since HR and SW have been seeing each other again (approximately 2 years now) I will give you a brief point form synopsis of the situation:
- SW was seeing another woman, who was married. This is a girl that he claimed was the love of his life and actually told HR - If she was free, I would be with her and if there came a time that she asked me to go to her, I would go. ( I am refraining from inserting my own commentary here...but it's hard)
- SW makes quite a bit of money and lives in a beautiful home, in a gated elite community and actually said this to HR: one of the reasons that I don't want you to move in with me is because you don't make enough money. ( I am really having a hard time not saying anything to this one)
- SW sees HR one day a week, Sundays, they spend the day together, puttering around and fixing the house, eat dinner and of course, copious amounts of sex. At one time when HR showed up on Saturday morning after having been out of town all week on business because she missed him - she went to hug him, he did not hug her back and then they had a fight about her "dropping by whenever she feels like it, it's all about what she wants and how he needs SPACE.
- Last week, SW on Sunday logged into his work computer and signed up for voluntary overtime that day should they need him. HR arrived, 10 minutes later work called and even after she asked him not to go because this was their day... he agreed and went into work.
final point about SW:
- HR for Christmas was given a trip to Hawaii with SW. (he put the downpayment on the tickets) then up until the day proceeded to complain, hint, mention the fact that he had been there before and how expensive it was all the while making HR feel like poop until she suggested he just get the money back for the trip and they could do something else another time. - which he did.
ON TO HR:
I don't want you all to think that this is a big bash SW party. It's not. Here are the points about HR for your consideration:
- She has this game she plays when they have a disagreement where she will get upset about something and then sit back and wait to see how long it takes him to come running after her. If he doesn't, she will then call him, and say something to the effect of " I am just calling to let you know that I don't want to hear from you until you are ready to call me". - this doesn't happen all the time... but it has happened on more than one occasion.
- HR has this phobia about actually talking to SW. She is under the impression that this will miraculously solve itself with zero open honest communication required on both their parts. She will send him little post cards and letters and then wait for him to call her. When he doesn't, she will say that it's over without having actually had any input from SW about what he thinks, feels or wants.
- HR is a wonderful, warm and caring person, she is a lot of fun to be with - we laugh our asses off. We fart and make jokes and I don't think there is ever a dull moment when we hang out. She is like this with my husband also. SW has NEVER seen this side of her. HR says she is too afraid to be fun and cute because he MIGHT NOT LIKE HER. So basically she is acting like someone she is not to stay with this man.
- HR says about SW - he makes me feel cherished and safe. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is perfect. And yet she won't show him who she is. She won't talk to him about anything serious, only the most general of conversations - about the dog or the house, has he eaten enough...how was work. etc etc - she loves the way he touches her and apparently the sex is absolutely fabulous. But it is only available to her one day a week and apparently that is enough for SW.
I have been listening to her for 9 months now. I love her to pieces, I will continue to listen, that's what friends do. I give her advice when she asks for it, advice which she never listens to. Other people she knows have given her the same advice. She agreed to let me put this up here to see what people she doesn't even know have to say about the situation. So thank you in advance, a) for those of you who even made it through this... and b) for those of you who take the time to give your opnions.
Just be blunt, and honest about what you think. She can take it: I have been dishing it to her for ages, and she wants to know what you think.
Thanks guys!
xoxoxo
I have promised her that I will not steer you in any direction, but just post the facts with as little of my personal colorful commentary thrown in as possible. It could be quite a long post, so I will apologize for this in advance and promise to return to light posts about poops and farting after this brief diversion.
The beginning:
HR and SW met sometime during her college years. She immediately was attracted to him and fell, in true HR style, head over heels in love with him. Somehow over the years SW found himself being placed on the pedestal that is HR's shining testament to those she loves. She is very forgiving of EVERYone's faults (my own included - which is probably why we are still friends even though I can be quite blunt most of the time) but when she loves you...you have NO faults.
I accuse HR of playing little games within the relationship - perhaps you all may see it differently. One such example is something she did back when this relationship was new..and that was to try to prove to SW that she was the perfect one for him. How did she do this you ask? Settle down, I will tell you.
She had this friend - whose name I don't actually know, so let's call her X. She had this friend X who had many similar qualities to HR, but in HR's opinion, she (HR) was the far superior model of the two. So she concocted this brillian plan in which she would suggest to SW that he and X date instead, during which time he would realize how much better HR was for him and return to her with a glowing NEW appreciation for her.
Obviously, this plan failed and SW and X dated for some time but SW and HR never did make it back together(then).
Fast forward a couple of years and SW meets and subsequently marries another woman, a lawyer... we will call her J. Heartbroken, HR goes about her life, confident in true HR style that ONE day SW will in fact be hers. She is content to wait for this man until such time as that happens.
HR knows that SW is now married, and subsequently meets and marries another man, let's call him TD. While I am sure that TD has no idea of what I am about to divulge to you... I know it, it is an integral part of the story and I will tell you.
HR ONLY married him because SW was married to someone else.... uhm what?
TD and HR have two children (extremely cute and well-behaved children too I should add..and I am qualified to judge, because I have children..and I know well-behaved children when I see them...(they usually belong to OTHER people!) kidding...hah!)
In the interim, SW and J run on some hard marital times and divorce. EGADS... SW is a free man. Surprisingly enough, HR and TD follow suit not too long thereafter. HR will swear that SW was divorced for ages before she divorced TD, but the fact remains that it was shortly after they started communicating again that this divorce was officially in the works. - you do the math.
Since HR and SW have been seeing each other again (approximately 2 years now) I will give you a brief point form synopsis of the situation:
- SW was seeing another woman, who was married. This is a girl that he claimed was the love of his life and actually told HR - If she was free, I would be with her and if there came a time that she asked me to go to her, I would go. ( I am refraining from inserting my own commentary here...but it's hard)
- SW makes quite a bit of money and lives in a beautiful home, in a gated elite community and actually said this to HR: one of the reasons that I don't want you to move in with me is because you don't make enough money. ( I am really having a hard time not saying anything to this one)
- SW sees HR one day a week, Sundays, they spend the day together, puttering around and fixing the house, eat dinner and of course, copious amounts of sex. At one time when HR showed up on Saturday morning after having been out of town all week on business because she missed him - she went to hug him, he did not hug her back and then they had a fight about her "dropping by whenever she feels like it, it's all about what she wants and how he needs SPACE.
- Last week, SW on Sunday logged into his work computer and signed up for voluntary overtime that day should they need him. HR arrived, 10 minutes later work called and even after she asked him not to go because this was their day... he agreed and went into work.
final point about SW:
- HR for Christmas was given a trip to Hawaii with SW. (he put the downpayment on the tickets) then up until the day proceeded to complain, hint, mention the fact that he had been there before and how expensive it was all the while making HR feel like poop until she suggested he just get the money back for the trip and they could do something else another time. - which he did.
ON TO HR:
I don't want you all to think that this is a big bash SW party. It's not. Here are the points about HR for your consideration:
- She has this game she plays when they have a disagreement where she will get upset about something and then sit back and wait to see how long it takes him to come running after her. If he doesn't, she will then call him, and say something to the effect of " I am just calling to let you know that I don't want to hear from you until you are ready to call me". - this doesn't happen all the time... but it has happened on more than one occasion.
- HR has this phobia about actually talking to SW. She is under the impression that this will miraculously solve itself with zero open honest communication required on both their parts. She will send him little post cards and letters and then wait for him to call her. When he doesn't, she will say that it's over without having actually had any input from SW about what he thinks, feels or wants.
- HR is a wonderful, warm and caring person, she is a lot of fun to be with - we laugh our asses off. We fart and make jokes and I don't think there is ever a dull moment when we hang out. She is like this with my husband also. SW has NEVER seen this side of her. HR says she is too afraid to be fun and cute because he MIGHT NOT LIKE HER. So basically she is acting like someone she is not to stay with this man.
- HR says about SW - he makes me feel cherished and safe. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is perfect. And yet she won't show him who she is. She won't talk to him about anything serious, only the most general of conversations - about the dog or the house, has he eaten enough...how was work. etc etc - she loves the way he touches her and apparently the sex is absolutely fabulous. But it is only available to her one day a week and apparently that is enough for SW.
I have been listening to her for 9 months now. I love her to pieces, I will continue to listen, that's what friends do. I give her advice when she asks for it, advice which she never listens to. Other people she knows have given her the same advice. She agreed to let me put this up here to see what people she doesn't even know have to say about the situation. So thank you in advance, a) for those of you who even made it through this... and b) for those of you who take the time to give your opnions.
Just be blunt, and honest about what you think. She can take it: I have been dishing it to her for ages, and she wants to know what you think.
Thanks guys!
xoxoxo
posted by Lisa at 3:15 PM
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