okay.. you just CAN'T make this shit up!

Frankie found this gem of a site for me... and when I went there I just COULD NOT believe my eyes! I laughed so hard I almost peed =)

Here are some "highlights".....

This year's Cooter Race is planned to be bigger than ever before. The Allendale County Spring "Cooter" Fest and the Carolina Cooter Race Committee will offer free seating for the exciting Carolina Cooter Race. A "Rent a Cooter" booth will be available for those race fans unable to trap their own Cooter.

The Carolina Cooter Race will be grouped into two divisions determined by the width of the Cooter's shell. The two divisions are:
1) Mini-Cooters: Cooters measuring 6 inches and under.
2) Modified Cooters: Cooters measuring more than 6 inches.

Cooter division heats will race until one winner is determined. At the end of the day the two division winners and runner ups will race off for the grand title of "World's Fastest Cooter" and $1000 in prize money. A trophy and $100 prize will be awarded to each division winner. There will also be a $100 prize for the "Best Dressed Cooter".
So Cooter Fans get your Cooters...Dress them up...and bring them to the Carolina "Cooter" Race, Saturday April 8, 2006. Cooter Race Registration starts at 12:30 at the Cooter Bowl. Registration will be from 12:30 until 2:00 pm. The 20th annual Carolina Cooter Race begins at 2:00 pm in the Cooter Bowl. For more information contact the Carolina Cooter Race Committee at (803) 584-3412.

"Cooter" Handler Rules

1. Once race begins Cooter handlers may not touch their Cooter. Pushing, pulling or rubbing one's Cooter will be grounds for disqualification.
2. No drugged Cooters will be allowed to compete. If the judges suspect a Cooter has been drugged and the Cooter Veterianarian verifies, the parties responsible will be fined, or better yet, sentenced to clean up the Cooter Race Track Area after the Race.
3. No foreign substances such as grease or oil can be placed on one's Cooter to increase its speed.
4. Shouting, yelling, and coaxing one's Cooter during the race is encouraged.
5. Cooter handlers are required to provide a safe environment for their Cooters before and after the race.
6. The Cooter Committee will provide a Cooter holding tank for those Cooter handlers unable to return their Cooters to their natural habitat after the race.
7. Cooter handlers found mishandling or mistreating their Cooters will automatically be disqualified.
8. Any violations to the Cooter Race Rules will force the Cooter judges to disqualify the Cooter Handler from the Race Competition.
9. Decisions of Cooter judges are final and there are no appeals.


OMFG! I am still laughing....

If you want to check out the rest of "cooterfest" go here !

For those of you that miss my cooter...

I wanted to see where I would pop up on Google if I did a search on 'cooter'... and then I got side-tracked.


you will never believe what I found. Right here in good old Missouri.


That's right.

A town named COOTER.

the best part is they have a search on their site... "quick cooter search". I wonder how many horny men have gone there in the hopes of finding some "quick cooter".


Saturday chuckles!

COOTER

(just in case you have an insatiable yen for some cooter!!)

:)

Shiny new banner....

Courtesy of Justin.... you can find him over here I always thought I was pretty fair in the web graphics area....but he took my little piggy banner and made it soar =)

So thanks Justin!

xoxo

Friday night drivel....

Let's see.... I have been accused of being controversial... or perhaps it is just that I seem to find myself mired in controversy...either way.. I am going to give a big "shout out" to new friend Patrick, who can be found here.....

I went out for dinner tonight with my boss. I had some pasta a la fruiti del mare... very nice, could have used more sea fruit... and less pasta, but still nice.

I brought munkey home some lasagna...which according to him...was mediocre at best. I guess sometimes expensive does not = good! ( But I really think if you pay 16 dollars for lasagna, it ought to be stellar!)

Joe came and picked up Alyssa, so all her cute little outfits and toys and hair stuff is all gone. I suppose the house will be easier to keep clean now, without the tasmanian devil running around depositing toys and crayons in every nook and cranny...but I will still miss her!

I have no huge plans for the evening. or for that matter the weekend. It's geek night downstairs and I can hear them fighting with swords and such....hehe

I did find out that I am going to Nebraska next week for business. (and probably the week after too. So less blogging for me during the week. but at least I get to see parts of this new country of mine I wouldn't otherwise probably get to see !!!)

Is this the most boring entry ever ???? Blame Patrick. He told me I was controversial and I choked. Too much pressure!!!

I just wanted to let you know...

I have the day off tommorow.

w00t!

Isn't that horrible thing to post? I know. I am evil.

unfortunately for me, I have a ton of crap to do around the house so it won't really be like a day off. Laundry, cleaning....with a break in the middle of the day for a 'n00ner' =)

and my husband was a good egg yesterday again... I tried to buy the T.a.T.u. cd the day before and it was sold out....so he went to a different BestBuy and found it for me on his lunch break the next day!

awwwww. I really am a lucky girl =)

I got some bad news yesterday too =(

Joe has decided that he is moving his daughter back to his house tommorow. So no more cute little girl around the house! I really will miss her! I don't think he's prepared yet and I think he's doing it for all the wrong reasons!!!! But, Dave is right, she IS his daughter. Nothing I can do =(

Fantasy football time coming up!

Come on ladies....we can't let the boys have all the fun....run over to

curmudgeonbludgeoning

or

Jerk Of All Trades

and tell them you aren't afraid to take them on!!!!

The best part is ...you don't even need to know alot about football to play =) ~ actually, I find the MORE you do know...the more you tend to second guess yourself....


LET'S PLAY!

Calling all men.....

I just have to say - Vortexia was drawn in. Classic.

Since you asked, I think the letter was a bit too snarky to allow an opening for dialogue. Not that I don't think it was appropriate, but if I got it, I'd write the woman off. I wouldn't assume that she wanted to hear one damn word more from me.
KOM | Homepage | 07.27.05 - 2:50 pm | #


This is a comment from KOM regarding my last post and HR's letter to SW. It brings to light an interesting question, one I can only pose to you men out there - if it were YOU in this situation (SW's situation)and you received a letter like this from your "girlfriend" how would YOU respond, if at all?

Do you think that the girl who spent 2 years officially in a relationship with you deserves some kind of explanation or apology? Or do you think that the tone of the letter nixes that necessity?

Would you be more likely to be apologetic if the girl had not written you a letter such as this?

And before you answer, I am asking because I am curious, not being judgemental! So please answer honestly - not with what you think we want to hear! =)

It's a great day when......

Your very best friend, the queen of candycoating.... grows a big shiny new set of balls.

Those of you that read my blog with any kind of regularity will remember HR. She loves to fart, eat chinese food and she loves SW. So much so that she even allowed me to post a question a while back and get all of you to give her advice/critique.

The bottom line was this... at the end of the day she knew she had to actually have a face to face conversation with SW and FINALLY screwed up enough courage to go over to his house and attempt an honest-to-goodness face to face for the first time in their 11 year history.

And because it was my advice, and she actually followed it for once... I take some degree of personal responsibility for what happened next. (I say some because obviously... it was only my fault that she went there... not what she encountered once she got there...)

She had remembered him mentioning to her that he was switching shifts with someone who was out on leave some weeks prior to this, so she thought she would have a good chance of finding him home this particular night, although it wasn't one of his "regular" days off.

She got dressed, you can vouch for this ladies, we always want to look our best when going in for an up close and personal conversation....so she did her hair, makeup and picked out an especially lovely ensemble to wear. At around 10:00 pm she left her house and made the 15 minute drive over to his house. She parked her car, collected herself for a few minutes and with a last-minute check of her makeup; she took a deep breath and got out of the car.

As she neared his house, she could hear him out back (he has a pool). She figured he was out there with the dog and so she changed course and headed around to the side gate.

What she saw floored her.

He was around back alright. With another girl.

SKINNY DIPPING. (kind of hard to pull that one off as an innocent visit I would say).

Apparently the girl was from Nebraska, hell of a drive for an evening swim. For the sake of brevity, I will condense....she turned around and left... I don't know that I could have left and not said something...but she did.

He called her two weeks later and spewed some drivel about how it was the 4th and how odd it was that they weren't together since they had spent it together the year before (this was on voicemail). To her credit, she didn't call him back although it must have killed her...she really does love this guy.

Then last week was his birthday.


Are you ready for this????


No, really.


Are you sitting down ?


THE MOTHER FUCKER ACTUALLY HAD THE BALLS TO CALL HER AND SAY THIS: uhm, thanks for thinking of me on my birthday.

(again on voicemail).

This told me one thing. He doesn't know she knows. What kind of ass does that ? Tries to lay a guilt trip on a girl for not calling him on his birthday after he's been playing naked pretzel in his fucking pool ?

HR is probably the most mild-mannered, gentle soul, that I have ever encountered. But she wrote him a letter today and dropped it off in his mail box on the way home. It was sarcastic, and to the point and I am sooooo proud of her.

Because I am proud of her... I am going to end this post with a copy of her letter to SW...

July 26, 2005

S****,

I am writing to you because I did in fact receive the message you left me on my voicemail. You remember, the one thanking me for thinking of you on your birthday. That one.

Well, it has taken me about a week to figure out exactly how it is that I want to respond. In fact, it has taken me that long because at first I didn't want to respond at all. Aside from maybe spitting in your face... But, that was last week.

Now, I just want to say, "Happy Birthday". I hope you had fun, a good dinner and of course some cake or a piece of PIE - whichever the case may be.

Come to think of it, since you mentioned it... I was wondering if you were thinking of me while you were skinny dipping with that pretty little brunette from Nebraska. Or did she not call you on your birthday either??

Love always,

HR

An interesting thing I have noticed .....

about my mother.

all my life, I have been a huge disappointment to her. I guess that in all her inherent brilliance one basic fact has eluded her lo these many years. I am adopted.

Yes that's right. No access to the family gene pool. I didn't even dip my toes in.

So how she can have constantly compared me to my cousins (her brother's two perfect children..) and found me lacking... I will never, ever .... understand.

and I know that some of you are saying... there is no such thing as perfect children...HOWEVER you do not know my cousins. They are indeed as close an approximation as possible to perfection that has ever existed: both gorgeous, never got in trouble, he is an electrical engineer, she is a professor. and for interests sake, uncle is an engineer, and aunt is a professor. Talk about tightly knit genetics! - by this definition, I should have been a doctor =)

So for years, I made bad choices in careers, men and I suppose just life in general. I remember being really excited about one particular guy that I had been dating and calling my mother up to tell her all about him....

ME: Mom, this guys is totally different than the others, he's so great I just know you will love him! (gush gush gag... puke)
Mom: (sighing)... well you know Lisa, I am sure he's fine.
Me: well, why don't we get together, you and V* (her husband)....maybe for dinner?
Mom: I'd rather not, why don't we wait six months, and if you are still with him...maybe then we can talk about dinner...


(never mind that she was right about THAT particular guy....that is not the point people!)

talk about expecting your children to fail without ever even giving them the benefit of the doubt! OUCH!

So the months and years passed and I kind of had a little pattern going of messing up and my mother had a little pattern going of bailing my ass out =)

Then I met Dave.

I still remember the conversation over lunch and my trying to explain to her that this time...it really was different.

I remember vividly the glazed over look in her eyes when she sighed and said "well Lisa, I certainly hope so...."

And it has been different. I haven't called her for help with ANYthing for over three years... in fact.... I only call her to say hi... about once a month...

One of our recent conversations went something like this:

me: hi mom...
mom: well hi, nice to hear from you... I haven't heard from you in a while so I assumed everything must be going okay.
me: uhm, yes, I miss you too Mom...

Funny thing is... in spite of all her negativity about my life choices... in a weird way, I think she must miss bailing me out... I don't think she likes her new role in my life. She doesn't know where she fits.

I wonder if that particular role isn't her cup of tea either. See, I never knew where I fit in that family either.

Good thing I'm home now.

Maybe in time, my mother and I can figure it out but for now, I guess we are both still trying to find shoes that fit.

All the things you said.

running through my head.

okay I have a request.. even if you have never commented before... just type something... I have this insatiable curiosity about who stops in.

it doesn't even need to make sense.

humor me.

all the things you said,
running through my head.
this is not enough......


(sorry ~ song I am listening to right now... tatu)

quiz for you....

I have seen this little gem on a few blogs, Brian's, PC's ... and someone else who I can't quite remember....

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!


So for shits and giggles... I made up a lame short one of my own =)

This one time.... at monkey's house...

pleh. we (HR and I) went out for our usual Friday Night meal. Apparently it gave her gas... the bad kind that won't come out; so she is in a wee bit of pain. We watch a movie and go out on the deck to check the status of the slowly filling pool.

HR is moaning and rubbing her belly. She lifts up her shirt and shows me this little bump, about the size of a walnut (and hard like one)... she tells me to touch it - so I do...

ME: there is a freaking LUMP here....
Her: I KNOW!
ME: this is not gas. no way!
Her: yes it is... feel it here... (and moves my hand over an inch)

It is at this precise moment, with my leaning down hand on HR's abdomen that TT and monkey come out on the porch for a smoke. There is just no way that could have looked good from any angle...

Me: she has gas...
TT: is that what they are calling it these days ?
Me: I swear ! look! it's the size of a walnut!


anyway, to make a really long story short... she farted... right in front of monkey, and his friends... and sure enough, the lump went away. I guess it WAS gas.

who knew ? lol


Yeah, I got nothing. Shut up.

hahahahha

so. I decied to nominate my good friend binsk for this blogger beauty contest thing that I stumbled across one day a few weeks back. I actually forgot that I did it, until today when she reminded me.

hah! oops. Turns out that I am somehow on there too. Quite amusing really! For the record, I am disturbingly average =) Binsk however is a cutie patootey! go vote for her! here

bloggity blog blog....

I am having Chinese food for lunch. Is it sad that I am excited by that prospect? HR is on her way to pick it up now. We have this gay thing where we always fight over who is paying for it. I won today...but tommorow night apparently she gets to pay and I am supposed to put up a big fight at the cashier.

And and and... I am going to buy a pool tonight! We have the small child all weekend and we are smack dab in the middle of a heat wave. (Not a good combination!) My loving monkey is letting me charge the pool on the credit card because he loves me.

What a good egg he is.

I have been perusing some of my old and new favorite blogs on my list today because I have finished the big project I had to do this week and have a small window of free time before the next round starts. I just have one question.


WHAT IS WITH ALL THE DRAMA LATELY?

It's crazy I tell you! Can't we all just get along ?

And on a completely unrelated topic... JERK: you better stop saying such shit! You are not allowed to leave. I like to read your blog and we all know...it's all about me.

munkey all dressed up for his interview tommorow .... heh.  

Oh crap.

Is my life this boring that I can think of absolutely nothing to blog about ? It must be. Highlight of my day ? Some guy came by my office selling spa packages and I bought one.

His sales pitch was fucking superb.

Him: Have you been doing a lot of swimming lately?
Me: Well, seeing as I have zero tan.. I can only imagine that you must be implying my hair is a little more yellow than would normally happen at a good salon ?
Him: well, yes.
Me: Interesting approach.
Him: Your nails have a lovely curve to them, and the length is fabulous... but we could tidy them up a bit.
Me: You better say something nice to me in the next five minutes or I will beat you about the head with our "no soliciting" sign.
Him (laughing): You have a lovely sense of humor.

sigh.

Me: Okay I'll buy it. I would have preferred something like "you are the hottest woman I have ever seen, and even though I am clearly gay, I would like to fuck you right now"... but I will take the personality compliment...


lmao okay... obviously I didn't say this last part! I think I said something like ...okay okay show me what you have there....

Would have been quite funny if I did though wouldn't it ?

heh.

Jealousy ... friend or foe ?

Here's what I think. JEALOUSY - a little goes a long way.

I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back girlfriend/wife. I have one simple rule.... I treat my significant other the way I would want to be treated. For example.... I never raise an eyebrow if he wants to go out with friends and have a beer or five.... I wouldn't ever, unless of course I was planning an evening out with my friends and he had a problem with it.

He has lots of friends online (mostly) that are women, and they don't bother me... well okay ONE did... but that was for personal reasons.. I disliked her for a myriad of reasons most of them what I considered "character flaws". - the main flaw being that in my humble opinion... she had no character =) I have since gotten past that ... and they still talk but I am okay with it now.

A little jealousy I think is healthy for any relationship. It reminds the person who is jealous, to not take the person they are with for granted - because regardless of how we feel about someone, there is always someone else out there that could take our place. It also reminds the person we are with that we care about them, and that we love them ... and that we think they are attractive, funny, smart and good enough for other people to want.

Having said that, the flipside of that coin is that too much jealousy can eat away at a relationship like cancer. Festering and contaminating every aspect of the relationship until there is nothing left to save.

I came close earlier this year to allowing the tiniest spark of (healthy) jealousy errupt into the full blown cancerous type... luckily the practical side of my personality won out over the emotional side....and I managed to pull it back in before my own personal insecurities pushed my husband away...

That's the funny thing about jealousy, you get nervous and insecure, and the thing that ends up being the clincher in the end, is your own emotions. It's extremely hard to live with an overly jealous or insecure person sometimes so much so that people will leave a relationship rather than fight through the jealousy issues.

So... what do you guys think? Any brushes with jealousy ?

So this week was .......

interesting... I did a shitload of work... and we all know how much I love manual labor... (not one little bit). ON the plus side, I did get a raise. (yay me)... Job security is still in question, but for the present, I am making more money than I was so that is a good thing.

Monkey is up for a great job. 91k per year great. Everyone think warm fuzzy thoughts for him, he really deserves it!

Speaking of monkey. I get home after ten hours of driving, play with the small child, read some blogs, order a pizza and check my email. Monkey takes a bath (the bathtub is clearly visible from where I sit reading my emails). So we are bullshitting back and forth about the week and little mundane day to day things.

A perfectly normal quiet evening until my cheeky monkey says these words to me:


So I shaved my armpits the other day.....

I pause momentarily in reading my email. Honestly, I am waiting for the punchline. I wait another minute, fingers hovering above the keyboard. There is silence from the bathroom. Slowly, I swivel my chair around to face him.

me: you're kidding right?
monkey: uh, no.
me: raise your arms.
Monkey: yes, dear. (and raises his arms)

He's not kidding. There is nary a hair under there. I quickly scan his legs and chest.... PHEW... all hair there still intact. He is NOT, I repeat, NOT moonlighting in a male review club!!!!

HAH! ... actually apparently his deodorant had some funky reaction and clumped up only to refuse to come off even with vigorous scrubbing. So he did what any normal, sane man would do... he reached for my lady bic, and shaved it off. (I'm kidding, he used the beard trimmer setting on his Braun.)


Oh wait, did I mention he did it DRY? ~ ladies, you will back me up here... NEVER shave dry... the razor burn is unbearable *wink*....Can you guess where I am going here ?


Poor monkey... bald pits.....AND razor burn... I had to chuckle, he told me he slapped on some baby lotion I had (mistake).... washed that off quickly and tried some diaper rash stuff we had for Alyssa.... (and this is quite interesting... apparently that burned like shit also.....to quote Monkey " no wonder babies scream like hell when you put this shit on... not like they can talk to tell you it fucking hurts!!!").

So that was what I came home to... never boring in Casa De Monkey =)

Don't forget to pray for Dave and his potential new job!!!


xoxox Lisa

p.s. Sara - your card is en route I promise!!!

I just thought this was cool .  

Cool little castle thing in the middle of the Missouri River... crossing over to Illinois. 

Just a few shots from my trip... I thought this was a cool shot... flag flying at half mast for the London Bombings...  

bye kids...

I am off to indianapolis again... see you thursday... take care of Munkey for me....

Baby robin... I guess he fell out of his nest... we were going to save him and feed him hamburger, but his mother had other ideas... so he is still out there... hopping around. I hope he makes it !  

"oh if this were our first date......

we so never would have gotten married." The quote of the evening......

So I went to the store this afternoon, to pick up some shrimp and scallops to grill. We prepare the meal - Monkey manning the grill, I make the salad, prepare the rice, pour some wine and set the table on the deck, thinking that perhaps, with no child running around we could have a nice adult dinner.... romantic and shit.

No sooner does Monkey sit himself at the table than the flies start to swarm... I don't mean 1 or 2, not even five....but like ten of the little bastards. After brushing about five of them away from every mouthfull, we concede defeat and run inside with the food.

Of course 2 of the more enterprising ones made it inside with us, but two against two are far better odds than we were dealt outside.

We settle in at the dining room table thinking that NOW, we could start our romantic evening...prior to vacating the patio, one of my scallops had jumped off the skewer onto the deck and the dog had immediately claimed it as his own.

Now, a brief 3 minutes later, the scallop showed him who was boss and ended up on the dining room floor with various other things the dog had ingested that day. I go to the kitchen grab stuff to clean it with, clean it up... wash my hands and return (yet again) to the table....

Not thirty seconds later.... Monkey gets a nose bleed... has only ever had one other one in his entire life.... and picks tonight for number two. (Karma anyone?????)

so being the good wife I am, I offer him a tampon... he politely declines and goes about trying to fix it in his own manly method.... (I really just wanted a picture of him with a tampon hanging out of his nose.... ).

We finally finish our dinner and decide that the only thing that could possibly make this evening any better... would be if the scallops gave us food poisoning and he had to hold my hair back while I yakked in the toilet and he gave in and finally stuffed a tampon up his nose...

I guess we old married folk just aren't built for romance =)

here apparently, is what I would look like in south park ....  

you can make your own

here

things that make you go .....

I found out yesterday that the company I work for was bought out by another company.

Oh goody. So now starts the corporate game playing. Should be interesting to see if I get to keep my job. (I think my chances may be hindered by the fact that I left that particular company to come and work for this one... and now they own us... hah!)

On another note, I found out today that I get to go back to Indianapolis next week with HR. We have separate rooms this trip and I will remember to bring my camera.

Monkey is downstairs currently with his band of merry men... I was trying to stay up and wait for him.. but I am getting very very sleepy.

Here's hoping you all have a fabulous weekend.

another thing I stole from HKD ...

I'm backkkkkk

So that trip was interesting.... HR and I had to drive the company van (well. actually we traded our company minivan for the St. Louis office HUGEFUCKOFF van) fully loaded with metal shelving from Kansas City.... to Indianapolis...

lovely 9 hour drive through miles and miles of orange cones. Once we got there, we got to unload the van. ick. I freaking hate manual labor... it all comes back to that sweaty thing... I hate to be sweaty...but hey, a job is a job right? I suppose I should be thankful I have one =)

So anyway, I was all packed and ready to go .... charged my camera batteries and had it all ready to go... and FORGOT IT.

Which probably wouldn't have been so bad, except that I saw about forty million things that I would have loved to get pictures of. grrrrr.

Indianapolis is actually a really cool city. Kind of a combination of Paris, France, and Toronto. There was this really neat round about in the center of downtown, that reminded me of the Champs Elysées in Paris, complete with cobble stone streets. It was a fairly big city, but clean like Toronto... made me quite homesick actually.

I kept thinking I was only 6 hours from home...I could just keep driving, and it was Tuesday night, so I could have had half price wings at the place I used to work ages ago, they have the BEST wings I have ever had! sigh....

HR and I may be best friends, but man o man, we do NOT travel well together! We shared a room (BIG mistake). We were trying to travel cheaply to look all responsible for the company and shit... what a nightmare.

I smoke, she doesn't. I conceded and ordered a non-smoking room because I didn't think it was fair to subject her to that... no biggie.

She is eternally cold and hates it. She likes the room a balmy 90 degrees and still sleeps with a down comforter and pj's. I like it 68 degrees with a fan going.

The room was about right when we got back from dinner, so I (again) concede and turn off the air, thinking if I leave the fan on, it will circulate the nice cool air and I can just sleep with a sheet. She doesn't like noise. So she thumbed her nose at the fan. I just said... "well, it's the fan or the AC... you pick princess...". She picked the fan.

She likes to exercise in the morning, so I said well I will get up at 6am and have a shower, you can exercise while I get ready. She wanted to get up at 5am... I told her I was a really light sleeper so she agreed to my plan. (or so I thought).

At 5 am, I hear her phone alarm go off, she gets up and sneaks off to the exercise room...... The thing with me is, once I am awake, that's it. So I got up, showered, packed my stuff and was sitting on the bed waiting when she got in...

HR: oh ...did I wake you???


lmao. sigh. We are SO NOT TRAVELLING ANYWHERE together. - well, we aren't sharing a room for sure! wow she's high maintenance!

Happy 4th !!!  

A few snaps from our 4th to yours...  

Aren't I festive ?  

Happy 4th of July ... to all you Americans

I was a little worried that it would rain on your parade today.... the last three years there has been some sort of wet weather for you.... I am happy to report, skies are blue, wind is minimal and fireworks are happily being lit all over my neighborhood.

Not so happily for my dog however. He is scared shitless... literally, he won't even go outside to pee. We went out tonight to grab something to eat (after the party we had last night, I really didn't want to cook anything today...) and he peed in the basement while we were out so he wouldn't have to brave the festivities outside.

My husband jokes that if we were attacked by armed assailants in the house, we would be okay only if they were wielding knives....one single gun shot and his guard duty would be over.

We had tons of food last night... chicken, burgers, four different types of sausage, three racks of ribs, asparagus (grilled) guacamole, salsa, chips, pasta salad, potato salad, cheese and broccoli bake, watermelon, cherries, two different kinds of pie and an english trifle. Margaritas, beer, basically any kind of alcohol you wanted.... good times, good times....

I learned my lesson after our New Year's Eve party... lol... I had one too many chocolate Martinis and passed out (after throwing up in my bathtub....ick) with a house full of people....


At 10:30pm. Happy fucking New Years.

Last night... I had one Margarita... and then diet coke...all night! lol Don't have to tell me twice...gone are the days of my famous Canadian drinking stamina... apparently when Dave and his friends teased the eh out of me...my drinking capabilities went north with my 'eh'.

(although Binsk, if you come down, I promise to totally tie one on with you.... I swear, I just need to be around someone who says 'eh' a few times, I am sure I can get it back!)

So anyhoo, HAPPY 4TH all you lovely American types! Mad love @ you all... Thanks for having me in your country!


God Bless!

Just for sara....

I had a request to blog about my mammogram... so boys, allow your eyes to glaze over and skip this post all together... it's merely informational... girly stuff you know.

Well Sara, frankly, I don't know what all the fuss was about. I had worked myself into a frenzy about it, heard all sorts of horror stories... (maybe it's worse if you have smaller boobs????) Basically, they take two shots of each breast. It's a plastic plexiglass looking contraption. They put you in one of those o-so-sexy gowns, but instead of your bum hanging out ...this time it's your girls...

Okay, they take breast number one, arrange it on the plate, you hold on with your opposite arm to this handle thinger...then she lowers the top plate and screws it down. It does NOT get smashed to bits. Yes, it was snug... but not the horror I was expecting... I had to talk my poor breasts into finally agreeing to go for DAYS...

The technician walks away, tells you to hold your breath (total of about 20 seconds MAYBE). Then comes back and releases your pancake boob. She then tilts the contraption to about a 45 degree angle and kind of lays your breast against the one side and presses the other panel against it.

Again, you hold your breath and she snaps a picture. This whole thing is repeated on breast number two and in my case, she took the pictures to the doctor on call and he evaluated them on the spot. All things normal and lump-free (aww how cute, it matches my cooter.... ). The results are then sent to your referring doctor and you wait for another year and repeat.

Honestly sara, there is NOTHING to worry about. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, better a slight discomfort than the alternative possibilities right?

Hope this helped girlie!

xoxo

Lisa

Happy Birthday to my monkey!

Dank Monkey -birthday
Originally uploaded by bacon1.

I know that today isn't technically your birthday, but I won't have a chance to do this in the morning before you get up... so I am sneaking it up a day early.

I never really have the right words to tell you everything I want to. Borrowing someone else's just seems cheap somehow.

I want to thank you for being the kind of man and husband that you are. I want to thank you for loving me. I want to tell you how very much you mean to me.

I couldn't ask for anything more than you.

Happy Birthday Monkey.

I love you.

Happy Birthday!!!!!

CANADA!

I miss you, and think of you often. Most often when I am being poked fun at for some of the trade marks being born with you as my country instills in a person. The sporadic 'eh' thrown in conversation, the way I say Soary... instead of Sarry... (for sorry), the way most of my statements sound like questions, my great love of hockey, poutine, Tim Horton's and beaver.

Just because I chose to vacate your borders and move to the south...doesn't mean I will not always to some degree or another, carry a little piece of you in my heart.

So Happy Birthday Canada! Maybe on July 4th, while lighting off many explosive and luminary objects for the love of freedom and my new country, I will sneak one little 'pop' off in your honor as well. (while no one is looking of course....these folks here love them some America.. and I wouldn't have to explain that I was just saying a belated Happy Birthday to my first home...)


au revoir!

Conversations with a four-year-old

So Monkey and I are sitting on the front stoop after dinner last night, having a smoke and watching the occasional lightening flash in the sky. The four-year-old, having finished her pudding, comes out and joins us.

I am not exactly sure what led up to this conversation, but man did we get a laugh.

four-year-old: how come you guys are taking care of me?
Me: well, because we love you silly... why else ?
Monkey: Maybe when Aunt Lisa and Uncle Monkey get old and decrepit (yes, he actually used this word with a four-year-old! - never can start too early...the monkey philosophy )you can take care of us... ?
four-year-old: uhm..sure!
Monkey: Feed us, and wipe our poopy butts....
four-year-old: I don't like to poop though, it smells!
Me: well, you know, it's only fair, we wipe your poopy butt sometimes, and it's not like your poop smells nice either!
four-year-old: *giggling* I'M NOT A BABYSITTER!

heh. at least she knows her limits....