ode to anal expulsions
Yes, that's right. I am blogging about farts. Your friend and mine. We all do it. Some of us actually in front of people. Some of us lurk in dark corners, release them and then run, prepared to blame them on anyone else but ourselves.
I used to be so bad, so ashamed of my farts, that I would hold them in all day. By the time I left work I literally looked 9 months pregnant. That can't be healthy. I would make a mad dash to the car, close the doors and release it all. (thank goodness I never got pulled over, although that would have definately been amusing to see the poor officer's face no?)
When I was young, I used to have farting contests with my friends, just like little boys do... only most girls don't admit to it. Then there were the great silent years, from ages 15 to approximately 34.
I am here to proclaim loudly and proudly, my silence is over!
Oh, don't get me wrong... I STILL won't fluff in front of my husband... I mean come ON! (He still has to want to fuck me!!!) I do remember one night, we had gone to bed and the house was settling down. I was ALMOST asleep when out it popped. Just a teeny one, enough to wake me up completely in a panic. DID HE HEAR IT? OMG OMG SHIT SHIT FUCK.
Dave: Did you hear that? What the hell was that ?
Lisa: oh, it was the dishwasher, I turned it on before we came to bed.
I laid there silently, holding my breath, waiting for him to call my bluff. He never did! PHEW. Of course after I came clean some weeks later, he now thinks any noise in the house is my ass.
Anyway, I have this friend (HR), I have mentioned her before. She really is an odd duck. I do so love her. She has this thing for farts. Just LOVES the smell of her own. She will let one go and then giggle for an hour afterwards. Crazy. She has always bugged me to join in. I never did.
Then one day....
We had just gotten back from Friday night Chinese food... and you know all about chinese food I am sure... she was farting away on the couch, laughing and begging me to "just FART already!"
So I did.
I had tried to warn her. I really did.
They never listen!
So I fart, I tell her I farted, she claps and immediately scoops great heaping handfuls of it to her face, thinking I suppose, that it would be a dainty lady-like waft of rose scented air.
WRONG. It was the worst thing I have ever smelt. Ever.
She gasped, eyes bugging out of her head, hands clawing the air like she was buried alive and had to dig her way out. This I of course found so hilarious I almost didn't make it to the bathroom to pee. (almost).
I have never laughed so hard in my life. So now we fart. Every Friday and sometimes in the car. We always laugh our asses off. It's like being 8 again.
Maybe next I will see if I like to play with worms again. Who knows maybe I've come full circle.
For those of you who enjoy farts.. I will include a lovely little link to all sorts of farty stuff!
farts and stuff
I used to be so bad, so ashamed of my farts, that I would hold them in all day. By the time I left work I literally looked 9 months pregnant. That can't be healthy. I would make a mad dash to the car, close the doors and release it all. (thank goodness I never got pulled over, although that would have definately been amusing to see the poor officer's face no?)
When I was young, I used to have farting contests with my friends, just like little boys do... only most girls don't admit to it. Then there were the great silent years, from ages 15 to approximately 34.
I am here to proclaim loudly and proudly, my silence is over!
Oh, don't get me wrong... I STILL won't fluff in front of my husband... I mean come ON! (He still has to want to fuck me!!!) I do remember one night, we had gone to bed and the house was settling down. I was ALMOST asleep when out it popped. Just a teeny one, enough to wake me up completely in a panic. DID HE HEAR IT? OMG OMG SHIT SHIT FUCK.
Dave: Did you hear that? What the hell was that ?
Lisa: oh, it was the dishwasher, I turned it on before we came to bed.
I laid there silently, holding my breath, waiting for him to call my bluff. He never did! PHEW. Of course after I came clean some weeks later, he now thinks any noise in the house is my ass.
Anyway, I have this friend (HR), I have mentioned her before. She really is an odd duck. I do so love her. She has this thing for farts. Just LOVES the smell of her own. She will let one go and then giggle for an hour afterwards. Crazy. She has always bugged me to join in. I never did.
Then one day....
We had just gotten back from Friday night Chinese food... and you know all about chinese food I am sure... she was farting away on the couch, laughing and begging me to "just FART already!"
So I did.
I had tried to warn her. I really did.
They never listen!
So I fart, I tell her I farted, she claps and immediately scoops great heaping handfuls of it to her face, thinking I suppose, that it would be a dainty lady-like waft of rose scented air.
WRONG. It was the worst thing I have ever smelt. Ever.
She gasped, eyes bugging out of her head, hands clawing the air like she was buried alive and had to dig her way out. This I of course found so hilarious I almost didn't make it to the bathroom to pee. (almost).
I have never laughed so hard in my life. So now we fart. Every Friday and sometimes in the car. We always laugh our asses off. It's like being 8 again.
Maybe next I will see if I like to play with worms again. Who knows maybe I've come full circle.
For those of you who enjoy farts.. I will include a lovely little link to all sorts of farty stuff!
posted by Lisa at 8:06 PM
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